More Sleep Needed

We had to travel back to our hometown to attend a funeral, and wow, I did not plan it out very well. I thought I did. If everything had gone to plan, I would have. But there were massive train delays that meant we were awake for twenty-six consecutive hours and it was an experience I will try my best not to repeat. I guess my days of all-night movie marathons with my lovely spouse belong back in my university days and have not withstood the test of my thirties.

But really? I think mostly I just take better care of myself now. My body and my brain are used to kinder and gentler treatment. They do not want to go back to when I was young and neglectful. I can’t blame them. I don’t want to go back there either, and next time we’ll be a bit more flexible and a bit more mindful of just how tired is too tired to function without taking a bite out of our mental well-being.

Thirty Years Later

There’s a reason Susanna Kaysen’s Girl, Interrupted has withstood the test of time, and, no, that reason isn’t the acclaimed film of the same name. Girl, Interrupted is one of my favourite books and it was a delight to read it again. I first encountered it when I was in my twenties and working at a used bookstore where I read it twice while I was on shift. Then I recently came across it again at my local independent bookstore and immediately bought it.

This book was really a comfort when I was in a vulnerable place in my life. I was struggling with my own mental illness and felt alone and afraid of what would happen. If I’d manage to finish my degree. If life could somehow go on when I was in that much pain. Kaysen’s honest description of her own struggle and her eventual institutionalization helped me see that life goes on and things do eventually get better, even when it feels absolutely impossible to believe that. Though she’s describing events that happened in the 1960s, her experiences resonate through time as woman’s struggle to come to terms with who she is and the life she wants to lead both inside and beyond the hospital’s walls.

On Structure

Girl, Interrupted features one of my favourite structures — it is a memoir constructed via vignettes. There are lots of margins here. Lots of room for the reader to think and breathe without being oppressed by word count or run-on sentences. The gaps between stories and the fluctuations of time give a feeling of being in the hospital alongside Kaysen as moments disappear in fifteen-minute intervals between checks, and trivial events lend meaning because that is all there is to keep one going in these circumstances.

Perhaps some may accuse the narrative of being too stark or too incomplete, but I think that there is not a word that could or should be added here.

The Intersection of Sexism and Mental Illness

Kaysen was far ahead of her time in questioning the criteria lurking behind diagnostic procedure in the 1960s mental health system. She points out the inherent sexism in the assigning of borderline personality disorder and questions just who sets the criteria for how a ‘normal’ woman behaves or doesn’t behave. She doesn’t defend the recklessness of her behaviour or her need for help during her crisis. But she does question whether or not she would have gotten different treatment if she was man. If she would had gotten locked into a hospital if she was. If the standards for male behaviour meant that men who should be seen as mentally ill were instead just left to their own destructive devices without thought or consequence.

Even modernly, the system is not perfect. There are still many disparities due to gender that need to be addressed. But there has been progress and change that one should be grateful for and celebrate.

Resolutions for Next Time

I try to avoid contingency plans because they’re usually a result of me catastrophizing events and imagined events that aren’t anywhere near close to happening or needing to be planned for. But, this time, we actually sat down and had a calm conversation about what we would do next time if train delays made for too long of a day.

And, for once, having a contingency plan feels good and not just tempting fate to make more disasters.